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The Kustanowitz Kronikle |
NYC JEWISH COMMUNITY OUTBIDS JETS, CABLE;
MEGA-JCC TO RISE ON WEST SIDE RAIL YARDS SITE
World’s Largest Community Center to Include Shas-O-Rama Arena, Mikveh Mall;
Facilities to Accommodate Dining, Prayer, Shopping, Weddings, Bar Mitzvah Parties
Special to the Kustanowitz Kronikle
FAIR LAWN, March 25 — The New York City Jewish community today turned the worlds of sports, finance, and real estate upside down by winning the competition for the hotly contested 13-acre parcel on Manhattan's West Side and announcing that the rail yards site would be developed as the largest Jewish Community Center in the world. In an emergency campaign conducted by the Conference of Fund-Raising Vice Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations (CFRVPMAJO), the greater New York Jewish community contributed the amazing sum of $2 billion, far exceeding the bids of $700 million by TransGas, $600 million by Cablevision, and $100 million by the New York Jets.
Interviewed by the Kronikle shortly after the results were announced, Harbey Kessef, chairman of CFRVPMAJO, said that motivation for the project was the expansion of interest in learning, evidenced by the Siyum HaShas attended by 25,000 earlier this month at Madison Square Garden.
With attendance expected to more than double by the end of the next seven-and-a-half-year cycle, Kessef sees a growing need for a gigantic facility to accommodate all of the communal needs of New York area Jews.
Central to the site plan for the new Mega-JCC will be a Shas-o-Rama Arena, which will enable 50,000 Talmud enthusiasts to gather for the next Siyum in 2012, when both the arena and the next learning cycle will be completed.
On weekdays, the Shas-O-Rama Arena will double as an IMAX Minchatorium. Up to 50,000 will be able to gather for continuous Mincha services. The text will scroll on a giant IMAX screen, using the new SmartScroll process with interlinear English translation.
Food for Every Taste and Every Shechita
A Jewish Community Center wouldn’t be anything without food, so Mega-JCC planners have created the ultimate in dining options. Hashgacha Heaven, a Kosher Food Court with 100 stalls and kiosks representing every known certification and schechita, will provide a wealth of choices for the discriminating diner.
The Brown Bag Cafe, also centrally located, has been designed for the growing number of area residents who don’t trust any hashgacha. It will not sell any food, but will provide disposable set-ups (paper tablecloths, cutlery, and single-use chairs, highchairs, and tables that can be crumpled up and discarded after one sitting). A small fee will be charged for the biodegradable furniture.
Both the Brown Bag Cafe and the Hashgacha Heaven Food Court will offer easy access to the Loshon Hara Lounge, which is designed to provide an outlet for diners who cannot resist the urge to spread rumors, tell falsehoods, or just plain badmouth anybody they want.
The dining areas will be available for rental for blockbuster events such as weddings uniting two Hasidic dynasties and "Can You Top This?" Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties.
Minyan Multiplex - A Shul For Everyone
The Mega-JCC will be open 24/7, including Shabbat and Yom Tov, so a key element of the site design, occupying about a third of the entire area, is the Minyan Multiplex — a thoughtfully designed prayer environment to meet the spiritual needs of all Jews, wherever they reside on the right or left of the spectrum.
Synagogues have been placed in positions relative to their hashkafa (world view), with the Haredi shul on the extreme right, the Reform temple on the far left, and the others in between.
The Minyan Multiplex planners added an ingenious touch — Congregation Sinat Chinam — "The Shul I Wouldn’t Set Foot In" — to fulfill the basic need of every Jew to villify at least one other shul. This one, an empty structure, has no obvious affiliation with any branch of Judaism and is designed to attract the negative energy of all Jews resentful of other denominations. With this fundamental need satisfied, positive feelings for Jews with different viewpoints should be more likely to develop.
With Kiddush Clubs having established strongholds in many New York synagogues, the site plan calls for one ("Always Open for a L’Chaim") large enough to accommodate members of any congregation, right or left, who don’t want to wait for the general kiddush to start celebrating. This is the one gathering place that is most likely to foster friendly relations among worshippers who differ on everything else.
Because of a recent increase in the formation of fringe prayer groups, space has been reserved for expansion to accommodate requests for new congregations. So far, one application to conduct daily sacrifices has been rejected because of potential violations of the city’s smoking ban. Another application, for an adults-only shul, is under review.
Mikveh Mall
With immersion in a ritual bath becoming de rigueur for many, the Mega-JCC planners have included a Mikveh Mall, which gives access to women and men and provides a place for toiveling (dipping) dishes.
A recent ruling by the Webbe Rebbe, that his followers cannot claim to be keeping Kosher unless they immerse their laptops and desktops, has resulted in the inclusion of a Computer Mikveh, as well. The Rebbe’s ruling was based on the discovery that almost every computer is now infected by Spam, which, as everyone knows, is a very treyf product.Y
Amazing-But-True Kosher Store
To Anchor Mega-JCC Complex
One of the kosher products to be available at the Mega-JCC’s Amazing-But-True Kosher Store
FAIR LAWN, March 25 — A major feature of the soon-to-be- constructed Mega-JCC will be an Amazing-But-True Kosher Store. Thanks to the recent enactment of New York’s Kosher Law Protection Act of 2004, kosher consumers now have a database of 82,000 different Kosher-certified products at their fingertips. Some of these products may be found in local stores, but only the Amazing-But-True Kosher Store will have them all.
Items available year-round will include Spice Time Shrimp and Crab Boil, Pringles Smoky Bacon Potato Crisps, and Piggly Wiggly Oyster Crackers. Others will be available seasonally, including 64 varieties of Valentine’s Day products, eight St. Patrick’s Day goodies, 85 Easter items, 88 Halloween treats, and 125 Christmas specialties.
So watch for the store opening, and if the manufacturers are still in business in 2012, and still producing the items on this list, you can be among the first to shep nachas from serving your Shabbat guests Kosher certified Easter eggs, chicks, and bunnies; Halloween candy bats; Night Before Christmas cookies; jelly wreaths, and candy bells.
(If you think this is a joke, it isn’t. Just go to www.agmkt.state.ny.us/KO/KOHome.html, click on "Search New York’s Kosher Registry," enter a word you wouldn’t expect to find on a kosher product, and see what happens.)Y
It's Movie Awards Time! The Kronikle Presents:
KUSTANOWITZ KIDS’ FLICKS PICKS
FOR THE 2004 SILVER GRAGGERS
EDITOR'S NOTE: We continue to NOT thank the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for announcing this year’s awards before publication of the Purim Kronikle. As a result, we are again boycotting the Oscars and presenting our own Silver Gragger awards for the outstanding film achievements of 2004.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY: A Bris goes terribly wrong when the Mohel gets greedy and starts making exorbitant demands.THE AVIATOR: An El Al pilot faces a crisis of faith when he must choose between Glatt kosher and regular kosher meals on a flight from New York to Tel Aviv.
BEFORE SUNSET: A frantic mother’s cooking plans go awry when she finds out — one hour before Shabbat — that her son just invited 20 hungry male friends for dinner.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS: A religious couple is put in the awkward position of requesting a favor from their non-Jewish neighbors after they forget to turn on the bathroom light before Shabbat.
FINDING NEVERLAND: A liberal Jew awakens from a long airplane nap to find himself in a land of rabbinic chumrot (stringencies), where everything is illegal.
13 going on 30: A Bar Mitzvah boy gives a speech so well-written that his rabbi suspects it was actually penned by his brilliant 30-year old uncle.
SHALL WE DANCE: When the wedding’s simcha band accidentally begins playing "Wonderful Tonight," the wall of plants separating men and women falls down and leads to social dancing and the unraveling of contemporary civilization.THE INCREDIBLES: An animated exploration of the Torah’s chukkim (unexplained laws), featuring the voice of Holly Hunter as the Parah Adumah (Red Cow).
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT: Scanda l looms when a frum couple announces their engagement, and then decides to wait almost three weeks to tie the knot.
SIDEWAYS: A local rabbi makes waves when he declares that watching TV in a completely reclined position is enough of a shinui (change) to permit him to watch college football games on Saturday.Y
